Lies, lies and lies.

the first thing i would say is congratulations on the engagement. i’m happy for you. but then i would probably go on a monologue about how i admire all these people in my life getting engaged and just so ready to jump head first into commitmentville. and how the wedding bug that’s going around is just making me NOT want to get married.

*sigh*

i dont think it’s not that i dont want to get married. i’m still indecisive on that front. i just feel, more and more, like i wont be able to stand being married. i probably wont be a good married person. you know what i mean?

so, after all is said and done, you’re still the one person i feel i can spill everything to. i’m guessing because youre out of my circle of friends so i can say anything and you would give me an objective perspective. hell, we both know how direct and cold you can be, dont we. i need that right now. i dont think anyone in my life is filling that role of the bitchy, tough loving bff.

things arent going so well with him. if i told you whats going on, youd probably mocked me. but then again, considering what you once told me that on a scale of 1-10, i was a 3, i probably wouldnt want to divulge to you what the problem is. besides, you wouldnt be surprised, would you. in a sense, you made it as big of a problem as it is now. you really shattered my confidence in this area. thanks a lot, best friend. i think im forever cursed when it comes to this…..thing.

i wish i could tell you though. i wish i could tell someone, actually. anyone. just strip everything and tell them the honest to GOD version of it. not some sugar coated, self deprecating humored, less fattening version of it. i want to cry out loud and let someone see how much it is killing me. how much pain i’m feeling and how extremely miserable i feel. and how it’s slowly poisoning our relationship.

i want to ask you, whats your secret. you and her made seem so easy. you made me hold out hope that true love and soul mate do exist.

…

if we were still friends, but we’re not. so nevermind.

so now im one half of those couples whose friends say, when things ended, that they knew he and i werent gonna work out anyways.

you know, i hate hearing that; even when its other people’s friends talking about their friends. i almost always wanted to say if you knew it why didnt you say something from the beginning?! okay, most people wouldnt hear a word of caution when theyre madly infatuated anyways. so i can kinda understand the silence.

besides, who am i to bitch when one of my best friends is getting married to a guy i dont really like and i havent expressed any objections in anyway or form. to be more precise, i dont think they mesh well together. now i cant really tell her that right. i mean, what does it mean to "mesh well" anyways?

but i digress. the point of this entry was to lament the fact and chant the mantra that, as always, this is for the best and that if we’re meant to be then one way or the other we’re gonna be. just not right now.

i did love him, still do. and he most definitely still is the sweetest thing that’s ever happened to me. and thus he deserves to be with someone whom he’s passionate about, who makes him WANT to open up and share his fears and dreams, who gets him and takes him the way he is. because he is an amazing person. i just cant appreciate him enough.

it’s for the best. if we’re meant to be, we’re meant to be. he deserves to be happy. i want him to be happy. this is for the best.

more and more i have come to realise that you are not what i want. oh i so very much wanted you to be coz i love you. more than you know. more than anyone else.

and so these tears are not because youve caused me pain. these tears are because i know sooner or later i would have to let you go and be without you. simply the thought of not having you is already breaking my heart.

looking back, i had repeatedly said that you were not what i want. shouldve listened to myself.

sometimes love just aint enough. you should know, right?

caught 2 minutes of the oscars, (okay, maybe more than 2 minutes but whatever) and in such short time, i saw at least 3 red dresses: Helen Mirren, who looks absolutely stunning and elegant, btw. one can only hope to age as beautifully and gracefully as she does. Anne Hathaway whose milky white skin was perfectly complimented by her dress. Katherine Heigl who is absolutely breath taking in that color but she needs to fire whoever did her make up tonight. she is the perfect example of how NOT to bronze. her make up artist apparently went bronzer happy on her.
but anyways, so yeah. red is definitely the color of the season, no?

i know i said i didnt want anything. and i DIDNT. i just want your thought. i just want to know that you care.

i dont like flowers. and chocolates, well chocolates are chocolates. you eat them and theyre gone so expensive chocolates arent really my thing either.

had you showed up with a can of diet coke cutely tied with a ribbon, or a snicker bar wrapped in tissue paper, i would still go "awww". it’s your thought, all tangible all of a sudden.

but no. thoughts arent supposed to be tangible isnt it?

i have always thought valentine’s day is overrated. why the hell should we celebrate love on one day a year? whats up with the other 364 days? i love and feel loved 365 days of the year. and i’m grateful and happy and feel so blessed for it everyday of that 365 days. isnt it how it’s supposed to be?

this year i officially abhor valentine’s day. how ironic.

i dont mind being sick. in fact, as sick as this may sound, to some degree i kinda like being sick; (not in the i’m-dying kind of sick though). many people thinks i’m weird for thinking this way. and i too acknowledge that it is a little weird.

but you see, my fondness of being sick stems from childhood. do you not remember when you were younger how being sick got you out of class? and most of all, when i was little, or even til i was not so little, when i was sick…..mommy was there.

i remember how she would scold me for getting myself sick in the first place, i.e: skipping a meal, playing in the rain, etc. but at the end of the day she would always put her hand on my forehead to feel my temperature, and made me soup or porridge, and gave me medicine. and if in a few days the illness didnt go away, she took me to the doctor.

during those days, even the times i ended up in the hospital for dengue fever, i felt safest and coziest. mommy could and would make everything better.

as i grow older, i like being sick simply because other people seem to abhor being sick. people close to me seem to think falling sick as the worst thing that could happen to them, whereas i think there are worse things. i think of being sick as an opportunity for you to take a break.

"heath ledger was found dead in a new york SoHo apartment. he was 28. "

my first thought was wtf?! and my second was, whats gonna happen to the dark knight? theres been a HUGE hype on this movie and most of it is centered on ledger’s performance as joker. i was really looking forward to see his joker. im guessing that they should be done with filming so i would still get to see that performance but i’m still sad to see such a talented actor go. the joker was gonna shoot his carreer over the top. how unfortunate.

it’s odd how i know who heath ledger is and thinks he’s a famous actor when in reality i havent seen many of his movies. i think ive only seen 10 things i hate about you. i didnt see brokeback mountain, nor a knights tale, nor casanova… and so on. can anyone tell me what other commercially succesful movie he’s been in? coz seriously, i cant believe ive only seen one movie of his.

but anyways, RIP heath ledger. what happened?

did this for 4 hours last night and had 5 more questions left when at 5.20 AM my ie decided to stop responding!!! i was absolutely furious and thought of pre-ordering the macbook air right there and then. but then i remembered how i can barely afford rent and tuition nowadays….so no more angry impulsive purchases. jk, i dont like mac. was still really upset nonetheless. and thought of just giving up doing the meme all together but it’s just too fun and interesting to resist so i decided to give it another try. (i have nothing to do anyways tonight because it is FREEZING so i’m curled up in bed with my laptop :P)

so behold. the great photo meme from the pink and brilliant pinkpau.

1. The most recent picture of you. Where was it taken, when was it taken and who took it? How was your mood?

taken a week ago at Belmont, a lounge located on 6th and lavaca. those are miss registered nurse and skinny babe. sensitive guy took the picture. my mood? very tired and my head was pounding. but it was nice hanging out with some friends in atx for a change. been a while.

2. A picture of you with a friend. Who is this friend? How did you meet him/her? How long have you known him/her?:

evil twin and i. he originally had the hots for my cousin, indecisive girl. LMAO. we met because one of his friend noticed that i hung out with indecisive girl so decided to approach me and made friends. have known him for almost 7 years. holy schmokes that’s a long time! he’s now in med school in caymand islands of the carribbean and im so proud of him. (no, things didnt happen for him and my cousin in case youre wondering. ;p)

3. A picture of you with your spouse/partner. How long have you known each other/been married/been going out?

mr forever young and his fave picture of us. he doesnt photograph well, i.e: looks stupid, pissed, constipated, etc (hahahaha, but seriously tho, he does! and i love him despite of and because of it <3) so i choose to post this one even though i have MANY photos in which i look WAY BETTER. have known him for 4 years. been going out officially for 3 months only. but we’ve got the flirtation going on for….let’s just say it was longer than 3 months. ;p

4. A family picture:

one:

mommy dearest. havent had a complete family picture taken since….year 2000 i think. havent seen my dad since 2001 when i left for US and havent seen big bro since 2004 when he left US after graduating from tamu.

two:

my extended family in US. aunts and uncles and cousins. 4 people in above photos are friends and not family but one of them is dating indecisive girl (you’ll see him later in one of the pictures) which makes him practically family.

three:

my support system in atx, friends who are as good as family. some are missing in the picture tho. btw, theyre trying to spell my name with the hand signage there. lol.

5. A picture of you making a peace sign:

OH EM GEE, i have SO MANY of these, it’s not even funny. -__-

one:

i chose this one because many people say i dont look like me in this photo. whatever that means.

two:

the day moody boy and i drove in the snow storm to hang out at the planetarium. what were we thinking.

for more piccies of me with the peace sign (and pictures in other categories as well), go to:
http://friendster.com/lovefelicia
http://picasaweb.google.com/lovefelicia
http://photo.xanga.com/zhoudong

;P

6. A picture of you making a yo dawg sign:

am not sure what a yo dawg sign is. but this should come pretty close, no?

the longhorn sign (UT pride!), the hand signage for my almameter’s sports team mascot.

OH OH OH! was doing question 15 when i stumbled upon this picture. not quite the yo dawg sign either, i dont think, but should be pretty close also, no?

okay, so i just googled what a yo dawg sign is and none of the above photos came close to a yo dawg sign. but i’ll leave them be since i took the time upload the pics and copy and paste the code.

7. A picture of you in your Halloween costume:

never dressed up for halloween. the closest thing i ever did to dressing up as something is this:

at a "school girls" themed club party for a japanese student organization. yeah, i didnt think i look like a school girl either.

8. A picture of you on holiday. Where was it?

in PARIS!!!! ok, vegas.

9. A picture of you in your workplace/school:

okay. so it’s not your conventional school picture. but it’s taken on campus grounds so it qualifies, no? that’s my almameter landmark tower with the lights in the offices lit up to form the number one, commemorating our football team being numero uno that year. hence, the hand signage of the team mascot again.

10. A picture of you in a weird or random place. Where is this place? Who took this picure?

one:

at windy city’s planetarium. it’s an exhibit showing how ancient people used stars/constellation to find directions. the ceiling had lights as stars/constellations and i had to row my way home by looking at them. needless to say, i didnt manage to row myself home. wtf. moody boy took this.

two:

in front of the shedd aquarium. thought the giant dude and giant fish looked funny. lol. moody boy took this one too.

three:

in one of the hotel in las vegas…..egyptian theme….it’s the luxor, i think? my mom took this.

11. A picture of you on stage:

walking on stage getting my diploma. can you actually see me? lol. my apologies, but theyre all i have for this category.

12. A picture of you playing sport:

what? pretend kickboxing is not a sport meh? i DID take kickboxing classes for almost 2 years, tho.

EH. i found this:

stopping to pose during playing the basketball game thingie at dnb. what? still not qualify? >__<

13. A picture of you with a celebrity:

hmmm. still rummaging for this one. might to get a little more creative………………. AHA!

one of those hands is mine! heeey, before you protest, my hand is a part of me right? hence it’s a photo of me with the ultra talented and super fabulous: THE ONE;THE ONLY: JAY CHOU!!!! seriously though, i really did sort of bump into him in MGM casino back in 2002 but was too starstruck to do anything but follow him to the elevators hall. and i didnt have a camera with me because the ticket said no cameras allowed. wtfwtfwtf. needless to say, i sneaked cameras in for his next concerts i went to but sadly i have yet to get into anymore close encounters with JAY. :((
this one is from his 2004 incomparable world tour concert in LA , btw.

14. A picture of you drunk:

i look drunk in the very first picture of this meme. and my peace signage photo #1 can actually be used for this also; but why be boring and use the same pictures twice, right?

i used to go out drinking ALOT. and i very easily develop the typical asian drunken symptoms, i.e.: glazed eyes, burning complexion (although i actually develop a pale/white undertone at the same time too), and blood shot eyes. HOWEVER, i rarely get to that point of no return, a.k.a: barfing my guts out; and this particular night out is the 2nd most recent in memory that i got to that point. (the most recent event was not documented in any form other than mental recollection, unfortunately. eh i mean FORTUNATELY! ;P)

15. A picture of you looking mad. Why were you mad?

miss boobies said that i look pissed in the picture, like "can we PLEASE stop taking pictures and get on the elevator NOW?!". i wasnt feeling like that, of course. was merely posing.

i was mad at the camera. okay, not really. was just bored stuck in traffic. but speaking about pictures looking mad, i dont think anyone would knowingly let other people take picture of him/her when she/he is mad/angry, right? i mean, i would probably grab the camera and scream at whoever’s taking a picture of me when i’m mad. it would be like that person is not taking my anger seriously, you know?

16. A picture of you looking sad. Why were you sad?

not really sad la. just a little bored because mr forever young is always at work and im left alone most of the time i’m there.

17. A picture of you looking WEIRD. Why were you looking weird?

very windy that day in downtown htown so i was trying to see i the wind could lift me up. i, of course, had to first discern which way the wind is blowing which explains the first picture. 2nd and 3rd picture is just me posing so that in the event the wind did lift me up, id look cool. wtf. that sounds so stupid. hahahah

18. A picture of you wearing something strange:

at the planetarium again. a traditional costume of one of those old tribe that uses stars, solar system, etc to tell time, season, directions, etc. i think it was one of the native americans: incans or mayans.

19. A picture of you wearing formal:

nothing more formal than a cap and gown, no?

A bunch of us at a wedding. can you tell which one i am?

20. A picture of you wearing a swimsuit:

i know it’s weird that i take pictures of myself in a bikini and in my own room no less. well, i dont go swimming/tanning often in US as swimming is no longer my choice of exercise form and i do the mystic for my tan. as a matter of fact, ive only gone near a pool/lake/beach about 3-4 times since 2001. (!!!!!) this picture is taken because i had just lost 7 lbs (3 kgs) in about a week (very bad for your health!!) caused by a severely shattered heart. and it’s the flattest my stomach will ever be so i thought id document it. dont worry peeps, i gained it all back. and then some. oh and my heart recovered just fine too.

21. A picture of you wearing PJs:

mr aspiring chef’s birthday. i’m in PJs because he was still my roommate at the time and so the whole birthday cake shenanigans took place in my apt.

22. A picture of you with an animal:

heheheh. i like this picture. i have another one of me trying to kiss, instead of swallow, the fish.

23. A picture of you eating or with food:

errr… dont know what to comment for this one.

24. A picture of you in black and white:

i cheated. this picture is not originally b&w but i was making this collage of pictures for his desktop and i turned all our pictures b&w for that. this is one of them.

FWAH! finally! when i first saw this meme post on the original site, i thought it was fun and wanted to do it, but i didnt think i had all the necessary pictures. apparently i do! LOL. okay, it took some "creativity" on my part in some of the categories but it’s okay la ya?

i dont tag people for meme, so anyone who wants to do it is strongly encourage to do so! leave a link here and at pinkpau’s so we all can take a look at yours!! after all, what’s the point of going through all the trouble of finding and uploading all the pictures if not for other people to enjoy, right?

school sucks. no, correction. i actually like obtaining knowledge. it’s the classes where i have no interest in, and which have sucky teachers; those are the things that suck.

My econ instructor is actually very good. we had a discussion on intelligent design/creation-ism as a science. did y’all know that texas schools might start teaching creation-ism as a subject? how is it related to economics? i dont know. but that’s exactly what makes him good in my book. i like teachers who know lots of things; interesting things. i like knowing things; interesting things. interesting in my opinion, anyways.

havent seen mr forever young in 12 days. that is probably the longest period ive gone through without seeing him since august. i miss him alot. well, MISSED him alot actually coz now i’m just indifferent about it. he’s always crabby when he’s here anyways. i get yelled at alot and i’m always on my toes. i hate feeling like i have to be very cautious and not make him snap. it’s actually kinda good having time all for myself. hence, i’m going to catch 27 dresses tomorrow if it’s the last thing i do! i havent been to a movie theater in…… WAY TOO LONG! i think i’m depressed coz i dont enjoy going to the movies much anymore. i used to watch 3-4 movies a week and now i cant even sit through an episode of gossip girl without browsing facebook or reading someone’s blog simultaneously. 

but i digress. the purpose of this entry was to announce i have the suckiest accounting teacher in the world! but i think it might also be something to do with the fact that i never really liked accounting anyways. which brings me to reasses why the hell i’m going for MBA. so maybe i wont.

shite. i hate this entry. i should delete it except i dont want all my finger excersises to go to waste.

watch cashmere mafia, all you fashionistas out there. dont ask questions, just watch it. you’ll thank me.

oh oh oh, upon speaking of fashion, check this out

http://www.jimhightower.com/node/6303

i was soooo appalled by it and am sooo glad and relieved that i never did buy any lv, gucci, prada, dior, etc. and i shall never! i swear and you can hold me accountable for it. i’d sooner donate 5000 USD to my local soup kitchen before contributing to such horrible and inhumane business practice.

i dont understand how some people can just hand over 3000USD for a bag that has no other use than being aesthetically pleasing, while millions of people are still living below poverty. how could you still buy these luxury item, knowing what you do now about how they’re produced? at the very least, don’t you feel cheated? if i ever manage to pay off my debts, i will donate more to charities. i vow. seriously. who needs an iphone, a plasma tv, or a diamond ring? i most certainly dont. i wont say i dont want them but im working on it. it’s a working progress.

and on the mention of diamond rings, i dont see what the big deal about them is. mr forever young said that it’s not about the ring, it’s about the commitment. and he’s absolutely right. so when the time comes, i’d rather have him stop smoking than having some random rock on my finger.

gosh i sound so indignant now. but that’s coz i am. doesnt that report infuriates you? please, if you have money to spare, take your parents on a vacation or donate art supplies to your local public school, set up a scholarship for some poor kid you know. ANYTHING but getting swallowed into this consumerism plague.

you guys can hold me accountable for this. if anyone sees me or hears that im wasting money (which im in short supply of, btw) on something superficial like a pair of leather boots or an iphone, call me out on it and remind me of…….well,i suppose this can be my new years resolution, even though i dont do new years resolution.

number one, she doesnt love you. so no need to thank her; for loving you, no less. (seriously? are you THAT not loveable?SERIOUSLY!)

number two, you’re an idiot. a desperate idiot to be more precise.

number three, i dont like her. (oh wait, i guess it’s obvious from the first two things, heh). okay, maybe it’s not so much that i dont like her, i simply don’t know her. but here’s the thing: I HAVE NO INCLINATION, NONE WHATSOEVER, TO GET TO KNOW HER. you see my point?

number four, GOD you’re an idiot. i know i’ve said it but really, why got be so desperate leh?