Lies, lies and lies.

So you deleted me off friendster. And I suspect you are blocking me on you MSN too. *chuckles*. That is something I would do! Well, I actually did those. And you did too, right?! The blocking thing not the deleting part. LOL. The blog updates notification getting too much for you, eh? I’m sorry. I really dont mean to make your life harder. I’m just trying to make my life easier! Yes. I am selfish and immature and insecure and psychotic and spiteful. I could understand your saying that you want me out of your life. But understanding why doesnt make it less painful. I guess it will never cease to hurt. Time will just probably numb me bit by bit. But the wound will still be there.

I dont even know what im saying anymore. I really should be going to sleep.

Anyways, I ambushed you today, didnt I? Well,I just didnt want us to end on such bad terms. Although that is mission impossible to the highest extremes. And our conversation today made that fact clearer than ever. You hate me. You are still mad at me and you will still be for a very long time. And the time you stop being mad at me will be the time when you stop caring if i exist or not.Okay, you didnt say that. But I think it’s fair to say that it was implied. LOL. Especially after you said loud and clear, and after giving it some thought too,  that you did not want me in your life. Man, I just wanted to know that you’re there. That whenever I need you, I could call you and you’d answer. I dont want you to hate me. I guess when I said you never got it, I never got it either. *exhales* . It’ll be alright. So you reluctantly said you’ll be my friend. I think youre just saying that to get me off the phone. But it doesnt matter. Because I genuinely just wanted to feeling of knowing u there. Not casting spells and piercing needles on a voodoo doll with my name written on it. LOl.

It was for the best. And this is for the best too. This is what i needed to do. baby steps. the last one was too big of a step. i needed a nicotine patch. quitting altogether in less than 10 hours was a disaster waiting to happen. And i lasted a mere 3 days. Im human. I have feelings. and i love you.

I get it. I really do. Im glad I made the “ambush” call. I get it. I get it. It is not you whos gotta let me go, it is I who is holding on for dear life. But i’m getting there. Wait and see.

Mommy arrived in Austin today. And boy did I get a full ear about how messy I am. Literally and figuratively. hehehe.
I have sooo much to tell you, but I simply dont know where to start. Still reeling from our alienating each other. God, i miss you.
I’m trying. I really am. Why cant we just be sms buddies? I think that would be a good ground for us. Friends?  "Not now. Maybe later?"

Just heard that "Complete" contacts solution causes infection and is being recalled. No wonder my eyes are irritated every time i wear my contacts. I dont think you use that brand, but just in case, I thought I’d let you know. You use that CVS/Walgreens store brand, right? Or Equaline?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, bun!!!!! MUACH!!!!! ~ xoxoxoox

"After all, computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breathe and reboot."

So no more reading my blogs ever, huh. Good. Now I can continue this therapeutic exercise of mine without worrying about you. You never got it. I am doing it for me. I need this. I am not doing it to provoke you or to instigate anything. I am doing it because I can feel myself going crazy and I need to let someone know. Be it a stranger. Be it an acquaintance I only know online. Heck, maybe nobody is reading this. Doesnt matter. It’s the illusion that someone is that’s significant.

No. I take that back. You might be worth it. But this. THIS isn’t worth it.

I stand by what I said. If I could erase all the memories of you; of us, good AND bad , I would. It is not worth it. You’re not worth it.