Lies, lies and lies.

i texted him. it took a while but he texted me back. we went back and forth a couple of times and as i was waiting for his next reply, my phone rang. it was him. he was in no condition to type, he says. i couldnt help but smiled and went on to nagging him about his worrying drinking habit.

after the usual small talk he asked me how i had been. then he apologised for not having been around lately. he’d been wanting to call, but it just seemed that everytime he had the chance to, he was pissed drunk. and he didnt want to talk to me when he’s too drunk. obviously. LOL. then he asked me again how i really had been. he’d been worried because of my msn nicks.

i was taken aback. speechless. he is not one to say something like that. i know he cares alot about me, but our conversation is never the mushy kind. we joke and we talk loudly on the phone, laugh and nag and support each other but in a nonchalant kind of way. we care about each other but we never really put it out there. sometimes i do, but only in blogs or msn chat. never in a phone conversation.

and once again, he touched my heart. cool and aloof on the outside, warm and affectionate on the inside.

thus, i dedicated my msn nick to him that night. i wrote something about how he once again had touched me and rendered me speechless and that i loved him.

the next morning i IM him as soon as the MSN notified me he was online. he saw the nick and asked," what did i say yesterday?" 
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ROFLMAO!!!!

dude, i still laugh everytime i remember this incident. it is too funny. and remember how i said that i guess you didnt deserve to have an msn nick dedicated all to you when you didnt even remember what you had said the night before which meant that you didnt mean what you said. OR i should feel even more touched and moved because that meant that what you had said came from deep within. (since you know, everything that comes out when one is pissed drunk usually is how one truly feels/thinks and comes from the deepest of the conciousness.) LOL.

you are simply amazing. i miss talking to you. i cant wait til i get to sydney. it may take a year or two or even more, but i know i’ll get there someday, somehow. because that’s where i want to be. and i know you and me together is gonna be awesome!

i am soooo lucky to have met you. friends like you are so rare that they dont even come by once in a lifetime. you are what a soul mate really should be all about. and i think you could very well be mine. i love you. friends for life ya.

save the long, winded explanation and the big, empty speech.
let me make it simple for you:

i am the girl you want to want.

but not the girl you want.

i cant. i just cant. and he doesnt. so yeah. it’s ok. it’s great even.

but why do i feel so crappy?

first, the guys went down to a race track over on friday and sat and so their conversation, 90% of it, was about cars and race and that kind of stuff. more than anything else, cars and anything related to them, is the number one thing that makes me think of you. Evo, a blue lancer evolution 8 to be more precise, is actually on top of the list, but it’s a car, so….
anyways, they made me think of those days when you raced. the thing i loved most about you more than anything was your passion for racing. and the look on your face when you were racing…..i felt bliss. you, me and the blue baby. that’s all we needed to grow old together. now, when anyone asks me about you, i’m gonna say that you are a racer. coz thats who you are, who you were. the you i knew was a racer. and i was so proud of him.

you were my piggie bunnie. and guess what? i saw many many many bunnies today. rabbits of all size, breed, color and origins. there was this rabbit exhibition at the rodeo today and i never knew there were so many different type of rabbits before. there was one breed that was very big and fat and….i cant describe it but it was very very cute. one breed had this angoran fur to it like the angora cat….and oh so many kind…but all were cute and had long ears and fluffy soft fur.
and i also saw pigs at the rodeo. i never knew pigs get that big! lol. and they even had pig race…..it’s called swifty swine….
piggie bunnie. you were my piggie bunnie. …

and then at the end of the night, we were driving back to the friends house….and one of the streets we had to turn to was RENWICK Rd. That was the name of big cross street by your house too.

I dont know what this means. is this a sign? or mere coincidence? all i know it made thought of you. in a good and bad way. we had some really awesome moments and those made me smile and grateful to have known you. but then i got sad coz i dont know whats happening to you.

it doesnt hurt. just abit sad. and i dont miss you. i just still think of you everyday. i miss the you i knew then. not the you, you are now. i miss us then. i miss the IDEA of us. and it’s sad when i think of whats happening now. not that it’s a bad thing. it’s actually good, i suppose. it’s just sad. coz the you i knew back then was so…….you were just so different than the you i last spoke to a few days ago.

i wonder if you’re doing well. i wonder what you’re doing now. i wonder if you’re happier. i wonder…….

I really hope,with all my heart, that you ARE happier, like i am.  life is treating me good. i hope life’s being kind to you too,… my dream chaser….

It’s not that I dont want to tell you. I simply dont know how. or where to start. or maybe im just not ready to let my guard down. the fact that i have a thing for you makes it that much more difficult for me to tell you. yes, i have a thing for you. (i think it’s pretty obvious.LOL) I dont know what it is, but i do. and i’m afraid that once i told you, you’ll see just how damaged and broken i am. and you might not want me. i cant afford to be vulnerable and get rejected right now. i fear i might not recover if i take another hit. i’ll be irreparairable. and i cant have that. i need to believe that i AM repairable. that the damage is not permanent. that i havent become jaded and cynical and bitter with love, relationships and all that jazz. i KNOW i’m repairable. i just need time. and the right people. maybe that special someone.

Funny how I dont even know if I want you or not and yet i’m scared that you wont want me. it’s pride thing i guess. and this thing i have for you, i think it’s only something similar to an idol crush. or just a distraction to divert my mind, and my heart, from other things.
Thus, you’re so right when you said i have issues. i have baggage. and ive been hurt pretty bad. youre smart to keep a safe emotional distance from me. youre sharp to sense that you might just be a rebound for me.

but just so we’re clear, i dont DO rebound. I fall. EVERY TIME. it might start as a distraction, but i FALL, EVERY TIME. and i think that’s what scares me. because i know falling for you will be catastrophical. you’re too much like him. we’re not gonna work out. us, will  be a disaster equal to that 2005 tsunami in south east asia.

and yet here i am, dedicating an entry to you. i’m so screwed.

Those outside of US who havent seen season 3 this far or not at all…..or those in US who missed tonight’s episode….do not read this!

Crap! It kept showing the spoiler on my profile!! sorry! so i’m trying to write stuff so it wont show and ppl who want to know can click the entry themselves!

I hope it works now.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! George and Izzie slept together?!?!? did they or didnt they?! OMGOMGOMGOMG!

Friends are what make or break your day. Friends tell the story of your life. The friends you have tell the world what kind of person you are. Your life is only as good as the company you keep.

Thank GOD for the friends I have. I can only be so lucky and  blessed to have great friends all throughout my life. Every chapter in my life, every turning point, every new place I go; I always manage to find great friends along the way.

I am so blessed. Thank you LORD for giving me all these people to be my guardian angels, to break my fall, and to help me up again. I can’t thank YOU enough.

Thank you, friends. You guys are awesome! I am honored and blessed to have crossed path with each and every one of you! I owe each and every one of you, the life I have today. Thank you for sharing my life with yours. Each and everyone of you is special and unique and phenomenal in your own way! I love you guys!

twhoa. youre a bigger loser than i thought you were. i guess some might say that the fact that i love you makes me a bigger loser but no. losers are born. it takes a special talent to keep sabotaging one’s own happiness. and you are the master of that. you ARE a loser. that’s it. nothing more. im watching you drown yourself and i’m laughing my ass off. yes, bitter pscyho bitch i might be, but i’m not the one dying. YOU ARE DYING. You do know that, don’t you? yes you do. you told me so yourself.

so. you and her and work and your new business. everything is going down in flames. wait and see. and i’m waiting. and i’m definitely watching. front and center. the worse the crash, the more casualties, the more fun to watch. morbid, i know. but i no longer have heart.

oh this is gonna be good. i usually get sad, but im oddly excited now. all the things you say? it’s bullshit. in a fantasy movie, she’ll feel the same way and be willing to do the same things for you too. so no, it’s not fantasy movie. it’s unrequited love, sugar coated, and heavily frosted in self delusion and denial. and once you lick off the sugary oh-so-good frosting, all you’ll get is the bitter taste of burnt batter.

I usually try to be nice by society’s standard. I try to be a supportive friend. a good friend. and never say never. well, today it ends, now. no more being nice and friends. well, the never say never thing….i can say with always. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A LOSER. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MISERABLE. YOU WILL ALWAYS AMOUNT TO NOTHING. AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE ALONE.

From today on, you no longer exists. you can die or live, you can be happy or sad or mad, i no longer wish to know. except of course when you win the lottery! that i would like to know coz you promised me a share! mwahahahaha!!! ;P

Oh and the I still love you part? check again in a week or so. after what you said and did today,i doubt i still do. im glad and so blessed. GOD IS GOOD and HE works in mysterious ways. THANK YOU LORD

I love rain. LOVE. and right now there is thunderstorm and flash flood warning going on. Yay! hehehe. I just love the feel, the sound, the smell of rain. I absolutely love it. and GOD knows we all could use some rain here in Texas. No, make that ALOT of rain.

I wish I could go out there and walk around, hop, skip, dance, or even just sit still under the pouring sky. I love getting soaked. It’s refreshing.

So rain, keep pouring. Rain down on me and sweep my thoughts away in a flash flood. Rain hard. Dont ever stop. Flood this place.

Ah. Texas weather never felt so good. You wanna know why I’m hot?
(~This is why. this is why. this is why i’m HOTT!~) Because I live in freakin’ TEXAS! That’s why.

"I crossed the busy streets to get to the bus stop as he was crossing the opposite direction. I glanced to the right and he caught a glimpse of me. He stopped dead in his tracks and whispered what sounded like my name. I stopped and turned around. There he was wearing an expression as if he’d just seen a ghost. Perplexed, I said, "excuse me?" He looked confused but there was something eeriely familiar about him. I think I knew him. He must have known me. I can see it in his eyes. As moments passed, he felt more familiar by the second. I froze. He searched for recognition in my eyes, but I couldn’t remember him. And the more I tried, a familiar pain and longing emerged.
"I know him. I must know him. Why can’t I remember him? He’s someone important. He’s gotta be. I should remember him.He’s important. I can feel it……Why don’t I remember him?"