Lies, lies and lies.

i wouldnt know how my days would be like without you. if it werent for you, life in austin nowadays really would be quite unbearable. quite ironic really considering youre more than 6000 miles away from austin and yet, you’re probably my most loyal companion and one of the very few people i actually like. :)  it’s safe to say you’re one of my favorite people. and best friend.

i told you the other night about my would-be-crazy-impulsive-absolutely-given-no-thought decision to drive from austin to houston and back to austin again in only an 11 hours time period. i didnt end up going, of course, because naturally those who agreed to go with me backed out at the very last SECOND. and all of the people i told this plan to had but one uniform reaction:”WHAT?! ARE YOU INSANE?!?!? WHY?!? ELO BENERAN KURANG KERJAAN SIH!!!” . except for you. you said had you been here in austin, you’d most definitely have gone with me. that you understood completely that sometimes you simply dont need a why. and sometimes you do stuff, just because.

and that was the night i knew you were worhty of a whole entry dedicated to you and yourself only. *actually, the fact that you practically saved me from going further down the spiral of emotional wreckage after you-know-who left to be with the girl of his dreams, shouldve been enough to warrant you a whole BLOG dedicated to you and you only. but in my defense, i was too distraught by my newfound fascination that there IS life after love and of course, your jokes and stories kept my mind otherwise occupied as well. ;P*

but i digress, my msn luvah boy. lol. okay. dude. you said no nick names, just dude. so dude, thanks for the good times, random remarks, weird jokes, sexual innuendos, interesting insights, surprising limit of understanding, intent listening, spot on advices and comment…..and most of all, for the incredulously hilarious text messages and outrageous, please-dont-ever-show-them-to-anyone msn chats. hahaha. thank you for being one of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. your companion through these otherwise dull and grey days, is truly priceless.

*happy now? not mad at me anymore now, are we? ;P*

captain jack sparrow saved the day once again. couldnt understand what
the hell was going on for the most part of the movie but bloody hell,
johnny depp is beyond brilliant and that alone is enough to make me
fall completely in love with the movie. but that’s not all, remember a
certain heart throb by the name of bloom? orlando bloom? OMG!!! so
handsome!! ahhhhh…..that look….that kiss….*swoon*

i really need to have a pirates marathon WITH CAPTION so i could
finally understand completely what the story really is about. i sorta
kinda know, but i hate not knowing the details and i feel like im
missing out on some of the witty dialogues.

i think imma watch this one again tomorrow. if not, then definitely in the near future.

oh and pirates of the caribbean: the fountain of youth? could it be?

i miss you. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you.

but then when i see you, i dont like you all that much. you’re still cute, cool, and all but there are minor details that are just turn-offs for me. plus, you arent as sweet. well, i think there is another factor contributing to your "unsweetness" but let’s not go there, here.

but then i find myself waiting for your call. and when you dont call, i wonder. and feel a little bummed out. like now. you didnt call last night, and i find myself thinking of you. constantly. wtf.

this better just be loneliness. yeah. that’s gotta be it. right? Right? RIGHT?! *sighs*

i’m still hoping you’ll call tonight. i’m so hopeless.

i know i said i can’t. i know i said nothing would ever happen anyway. i know i said i was okay with it that way. but still, once you stopped, i couldnt help but wonder, what happened?

was it me? was it something i said? was it something i didnt say? was it something i did? something i didnt do? what?

it’s nothing like that. really. honest to GOD. but regardless of why or how you get attached, unattaching yourself is difficult all the same. and i guess right now i’m experiencing withdrawal symptoms. trying to detach myself from your accompaniment.

i guess what i’m trying to say is, i miss you. for whatever reasons. even the wrong ones, maybe.

*i know "unattaching" is not a real word. i just like how it sounds.*

when did we become so cordial? thank you this, thank you that? pay you back for this, pay you back for that? don’t worry, i’ll definitely visit you if youre still there when i come back?

fuck that. i hate how formal and acquaintance-like you sound. have we really turned into that?

i thought we’re still best friends. or at the very least, good friends. and good friends support each other’s undertakings in life, right? good friends help each other buy stuff the other cant get for him/herself, right? good friends keep in touch and stay connected without having to physically be in the vicinity of each other, right? or at least I thought so.

silly me.

and just like that, you re-appeared as if out of thin air; just as your memories are starting to become more translucent, more transparent and on the verge of becoming invisible.

why wont you let me loose you completely? i wont forget about you, you know. if that’s what youre afraid of.

but then again, maybe it’s because you never let me.

because when you joke about it, you can always tell yourself that you didnt really mean it anyway. that the he wasnt really rejecting you, he’s just dismissing that playful notion you put out there about the two of you.

because when  you joke, people cant see the you that’s hurting.

but i think he does, though.

and in the end, i still end up making a fool of myself.

i saw her again today and spent quite some time with her after not seeing her for ages. and i had an epiphany.

it dawned on me why it’s so hard for you to move on. ive been seeing her pictures here and there all the time, but her charm really cant be captured in photographs. she is simply THAT much more appealing in person. today, i am reminded just how sweet and attractive she is and how you just cant seem to take your eyes off her. or maybe it’s just me. I couldnt take my eyes off her. 

in any case, i am now 100% convinced that you and i will never be. she and i are in completely different league. it’s like she’s in the NFL and i’m in NBA. well, okay i guess youre gonna argue that you like both NFL and NBA. you follow both and they take place in different times of the year. in that case, i’m MLB then. i know you cant get baseball for the love of you.

so yeah. if she’s your type, then theres no way in hell, or heaven, (or this lifetime for that matter) that i am your type. and with this humbling realisation that i decide to bow out from this "thing" of ours.

i can’t. even if only because i know you won’t. but most importantly, because even if i could and would, it will only be because you did first. and that’s just not right.

i’m sorry.

I didn’t write this. i found it of off a blog on myspace. it’s Ryan Conferido’s  page. if any of you watch "so you think you can dance", he was a
contestant during the first season. my favorite. amazing dancer.
anyways,
it’s not mine, so please please PLEASE do not take it and use it
without giving credit to the author (ryan) where it’s due.

EVERYDAY (by daniel ryan conferido)

*Again, please do not steal this as this is not mine. thank you.*

we had pictures of us taken. lots of them. that means “we” really happened, doesnt it? how come it feels like we never happened? like we were only a fragment of my imagination? like a dream that i didnt fully woken up from until 3 months ago? it feels like we simply never were. it really does.
but there are pictures of us, so we gotta have been real, right? i didnt realize that i dont quite remember what you look like, how your voice sounds, how your touch and your kiss felt like, until i was browsing through that digital photo album i have on xanga. maybe this is why i deleted most of our pictures and try my damnest to avoid taking a stroll down that memory lane. our memory lane.
funny how i no longer remember anything about you. i can look at pictures of you and call you and hear your voice, but once ive done those, you vanish again. i close my eyes and i cant picture your features; i cant make out any sound that is you. i used to be able to.
i think of you and in lieu the familiar feeling of bittersweet memories i used to feel everytime, now my heart draws a blank, like it doesnt know what to feel.

i saw her and your friendsters today and i see you went official ya. FINALLY. =) . a congratulation and warm wishes are in order i suppose. but after all we’ve been through, i dont think it’s necessary
after all is said and done, we finally get to this point. we finally get to be just friends. thanks for pretending to care about my latest predicament.i must say, youre doing a pretty lousy job. LOL. but it’s alright. infatuation and schoolgirl crush IS abit annoying, i must admit myself. but hey, what’s a girl gotta to do when she is falling for someone? talk to her best friend, right? and you’re my best friend. so. yeah.

i’m sorry i havent been a good friend. hell, i havent been a friend at all. but to be fair, neither have you. but in trivial times like these, i know we can handle life pretty well without each other. and i also know that in dire times, in critical moments, and when it counts the most…you’ll still be there for me, just as i will be there for you.
a part of me thinks that this whole friends-forever-i’ll-always-be-there-for-you thing is a whole load of crap. but maybe it’s not. we’ll see. wouldnt it be cool if it were for real?

"When the sun shines, we’ll shine togetherTold you I'll be here foreverSaid I'll always be a friendTook an oath I'ma stick it out till the endNow that it's raining more than everKnow that we'll still have each otherYou can stand under my umbrella"