Lies, lies and lies.

the dilemma of not wanting to work but wanting money; i’m sure we’re all familiar with that.

so. family and friend are coming from chicago the first couple weeks of july and i’m just so apprehensive about the whole thing. family will be here july 2-6 and friend will be here july 5-15. that will mean taking time off work. LOTS of time. and not working equals no money. Not that money is everything, coz it’s not. but im just not in the mood for anything. especially since the friend has been pissing me off with his inconsistency and postponing and overlooking things. im all about being laid back and procrastinating, but not when other people’s time and convenience are involved. to be fair, i AM the one whos been asking him to come, and now that he’s coming, im at a loss as to what we’re gonna do while he’s here.

so many things to figure out. rental car. hostels. work schedules. and no computer. what a hassle. life’s a bitch. yes, i’m PMS-ing.

as for the family, i dont even know whats the purpose of them coming here. they are considering of moving to texas and would like to scout the area and see about houses and stuff. yeah well, none of us here knows shit about real estate or business here in texas so how are we supposed to be of help? and why arent we gathering as family instead of having shifts of who’s taking them where? seriously. what is wrong with us. oh and when i say family, i meant my two aunts and their respective husbands and children, not my immediate family, aka my parents and brother. anyways, im thinking they should contact a realtor and have him/her show them around, like which area has what kind of houses in what price ranges, you know? i shall call dear auntie tomorrow. see what she says.

so. i had a good day today. man, you’re thinking that you dont even want to imagine what my having a bad day would look like, ya? LOL. yeah. today wasnt bad. had 11 hours at the restaurant and made abit of money. not sleepy now coz of the coffee, me thinks. austin java has the best coffee in all of austin, me thinks. their fog cutter seriously kicks some caffeine ass!! that sentence did not make any sense, did it? hahahah

okay. i need to talk to mr. forever young. but i feel bad for always bugging him. i dont know if he minds or not, actually, coz he’s always so nice and just listen. many an occassion that i drunk dialed him and said the most embarassing things in the most obnoxious manner but he still just listens and never once did he get upset or made fun of me or tell other people about what i had said. (oh the horror and mortification if he had).  but that is exactly the thing;, it’s because he is always so nice that i really dont want to outstay my welcome, so to speak, and finally pushes him over his limit. and besides, its not like he helps. coz at this point, nothing anybody say will make a difference. im just sooooo blah right now.

hmmm. i’m NOT falling for you after all. or am i? or is it the sunlight?

so much to do today. so little time. going to bring lappie in for service. i hope it wont cost too much. keep your fingers crossed for me and lappie, people.

[EDIT]

ended up not doing anything today except depositing money to the bank. what else is new. but at least i did the most important errand. so i should cut me some slack, dont you think? as for lappie, im bringing it in on thursday since that stupid receptionist at my dentist scheduled me with the wrong doctor on thursday and so i had to change my appointment to friday. dumb ass blonde receptionist!! i told her i’m with DR. PASALA after she made me the appointment with dr. kim the first time, she apologised and changed my appointment. with dr.kim AGAIN. double you tea eff, woman!!!

ps.: should i start a blog on blogspot? i,too, want to be a celebrity blogger like xiaxue and the likes. seems like blogspot bloggers get more readership, and i WANT more readers. STRANGER readers. not people i know in real life. which is why i might stop updating this one real soon. too many real life friends and acquaintances reading this one and due to that knowledge i find myself censoring myself at times. and that just negates the whole purpose of me blogging. what’s the point if i cant say whatever i feel like?

i should get over myself, right. nobody really cares about my blog that much, no?

still, i have a feeling you’ll see me on blogspot, one of these days. harhar.

hey you! seriously. why gotta be so sweet, ah? not so sweet lah, can or not?

as for you, man your accent is iritating the hell out of me. and why do you always sound so tired?

and you, where the hell have you been? this new job of yours blows! i want to talk to you. call me like you promised to. PLEASE.

last but most certainly not least, good luck to you. go get her, you! i wish it couldve been me, but as always, i played my cards wrong and let you slipped away.

and it is precisely because you are so good at concealing your feelings that i worry about you. i know i dont have to. i know you dont need me to. i know i shouldnt. and i know the more i want to be there for you, the more you will pull yourself away from me. but i cant help myself.

i keep wondering, are you really that cool. are you really okay. are you really that calm and collected? i think you’re not. i think beneath all that, you are jaded and disillusioned and cold. surely there’s gotta be someone out there who can make you see that life really IS beautiful? i know i’m not the one. yet, i cant help myself.

they say curiousity killed the cat. in this case, curiousity might cost me a piece of my heart. but you’re worth it. not just a piece, actually, you’re worth all of my heart. but i know you dont want it, so i’m just giving you a piece. in hope that maybe one day you’d see that someone cares. i care. even if you dont want me to. even if you always say that you dont care. i still care, because i cant help myself.

i’m still here; blogging about you; thinking about you; wondering and making bets with myself if youd call or not; telling myself that you wont call yet still hoping that you would; even though i know you’re walking away and i should stop the wishful thinking, i simply can’t help myself.

the truth of the matter is, i’m falling. for you. and i can’t help myself.

it’s erie how you do it. i dont hear from you for weeks. and in our relationship time, weeks are like years. or months, at the very least. and during those weeks i dont really talk about you to anyone anymore, either. even though, regardless of what i tell everyone,i still think of you, of course, even if only in passing. but then as soon as people or circumstances forced me to think or talk more in depth about you, you show up. a blast from the past.

i’ve always joked that we are spiritually/mentally connected somehow: when you got sick, i got sick; when my computer crashed, yours started having problems as well; when i was thinking of calling you, my phone rang and it was you. at the time, i liked the thought of being emotionally linked to you. i WAS in love, after all. with you. very much. and it made me feel like we were meant to be. like, even though all signs were showing that we were going to drift apart, we somehow would always be connected and we’d find each other. until now, i dont know if i ever really believed it as a psychic connection or if those were merely coincidences. i’d always thought that i was romanticising simple coincidences as part of the soul mate fairy tale.

for some reason, a part of me still thinks that we ARE connected. of course, the other part is still screaming COINCIDENCE. the only difference now is, i dont like the idea of being emotionally linked to you anymore. i find it unsettling now. because you’ve changed. and i’ve changed.

in any case, it’s good to hear from you again. i’ll admit, a part of me is basking in knowing that you missed me and just hearing my voice made you feel better. who wouldnt like knowing that they are special? that we mean something to someone?

on the one hand, i’m glad i can help make you feel better by just saying hello and i’m flattered to know you’re very looking forward to see me. but on the other hand, it bothers me coz i dont see what you see in us.

are we really still the special friends we always claim to be? the special friends I always said we would be?

boy, was i delusional. oh wait, it’s called love. the mad kind.

the worst part of not having a working computer is not being able to write. "oh but you didnt update that ofen anyways when you did have a working computer!", i hear one of my loyal readers shout in contempt. yes, guilty as charged. but not typing them up doesnt mean i dont think about things to blog. as a matter of fact, i think about blog entries ALL THE TIME. i go through my days in terms of blog entries material. almost every minute and every happening in my life, i composed as a blog entries in my head even as i experience them. i just took the opportunities to blog for granted. i always thought, oh i can type them up later. or tomorrow. of course, it always ended up being NEVER. thus, in times like these when i cant blog for real due to technical difficulties that i curse and kick myself, figuratively of course, for not having written all those entries i had constantly composed in my head.

some people had expressed that they miss my entries. others was starting to miss reading my ever changing, emotionally charged msn handles. and so in respect to those people, and let me just say, i love you guys too ;), here i am on a public computer in my apartment complex’s computer lab, freshly off a 12.5 hour shift at the restaurant, updating my blog and logging on to msn.

having said that, i am soooo going on a blogging rampage in the next few hours.