Lies, lies and lies.

typed a whole entry on resident evil and how i think theyre trying to do an ad campaign for l’oreal make up from that movie, but since i recently changed my friendster language to chinese (yes, i acknowledge that i’m a pretentious snob, but im sort of allowed to be since i majored in chinese; which makes me just a disgraceful embarassment instead) i didnt click save but instead clicked preview. i actually thought i clicked save, hence the disgraceful embarassment comment.

anyways, so yeah, did anyone else noticed how perfectly foundation-covered, bronzed and illuminated jovovich face in some scenes of resident evil:extinction? they did close-ups on her during those scenes too! all the while i was thinking, this could so be a shot from a l’oreal ad. after all, jovovich is one of the many beautiful faces (longoria, aishwarya and johansson to name a few others) of l’oreal cosmetics. am i just too capitalized/commercialize/consumerism-ized that i noticed it? but i mean, come on. her skin was flawless! yes, those were scenes where she wasnt under the sun or very bright lights, but still. larter’s face wasnt that perfect!

it’s not that big a deal. i’m just amused and utterly envious, of course. which girl doesnt want flawless airbrushed-looking skin? i’d kill for that.

as for the movie itself, it is better than expected. very entertaining and i love seeing mila jovovich kicking some serious ass! SO bad ass!! LOL. can’t wait for the next installment.

oh yeah, her flawless caramel-y skin was so distracting that even mr forever young commented on it. but then again, he’s always lusted over girl with dark/tanned complexion so i wasnt at all surprised that he’d noticed too.

i hope it’s not true. i hope you’ll get to see 2008 olympics taking place in your mother land. i hope i’d still get to see your handsome, in that old movie star kinda way, face when i go home. i hope we’d get to converse in chinese so i’d get to show you what i learned all this time i was away from home. and even though i havent seen nor spoken to you in 6 years and we never were that close, i hope you know that i love you and that you’re the most awesome grandpa anyone could ever ask for. i hope you know WE ALL love you.

i hope. and i pray.

gramedia. kompas. cigarettes. black coffee. bandung. niko department store. white jeep. and later on, the green jeep.

i dont think about my grandpa much. in fact, i dont think about any member of my family much, at all. but now that i AM thinking about my grandpa, all these memories are flooding my mind and i cant seem to stop crying because of them. the simplest things. the things i havent thought of nor remembered for more than a decade.

oh big brother, remember how he used to take us to that bookstore, gramedia? i cant remember why he went there so much. which section did he browse while we loiter and sat cross-legged reading juvenile novels or japanese comics? oh and his black coffee? djisamsoe ciggies? remember those? and remember how he used to take us to school in his green jeep for a period of time during junior high? youngest aunt tagged along to work too. i was always so slow and made us all late. well, actually, i made you late since, either i got dropped off first or you had to walk through those small alleys….i can’t quite remember now.

all these memories. they feel a lifetime ago.

i cant seem to say everything i want to say. i kept getting teary eyed and started crying everytime i think of him.

i hope im overreacting.

mum says it’s not THAT bad. it’s just that cancer treatment is too harsh for old people and so there isnt anything to be done except to keep him happy and live as healthily as possible. and to pray. GOD knows best.

Grandpa, i never told you this. but whenever i see harrison ford, i think of you. =) you’re more handsome than he is, of course

love you.

remember when you used to think i was drunk because i was sooooo freaking hyper? we would be clubbing and i would be hopping and just all around very bouncy and loud and couldnt seem to stop talking. you would look at me, the smile visible in your eyes and the corner of your mouth twitching as you said, " you’re drunk, arent you?" . i would refute and try vehemently to convince you that i, in fact, did not, and i still dont, need alcohol to trigger and fuel my hyper-ness. (or is it hyper-ity? LOL). i hadnt even had one drink for the night. you always would be skeptical and would eye me suspiciously. but in the end you’d always envelope me in your arms and all of us would have a good time in the end, alcohol infused or not. LOL. those were the days ya. i miss those days. and i miss you.

almost a year later, yesterday you remarked," yeah. well, you’re always hyper". i simply laughed, reminiscing on how you never quite believed me when i insisted that i was just hyper by nature.i guess mission’s accomplished then.

we’ve come quite a long way, haven’t we?

and i still miss you.

dammit. why is it so hard to block you out. ive thought about it all day and finally made the decision to start cutting back on you. but then the phone rings, i see it’s you and i pick up, smiling when i hear your voice on the other end. it is only when the conversation ends and i have hung up the phone that i remember my so-called resolution of the day. and i mentally reprimand myself for still instinctively gravitating towards you. wtf.

why cant you just want me? so you could be the man i want?

dear sir,

in regards of that thing that must not be told to anyone else, allow me to express myself: WHOA. WOW.

i look at her and i think why? how? WHY?

and after the shock subsided, what immediately followed is ,as per usual, the ugly wave of self doubt and insecurities which began to wash over me: if she… then i couldnt possibly…if you and her…then you and i…..she understands football, i dont….she’s kinda hot…whereas i….well….whatever (i kinda am too. LOL). oh and she’s a bitch and i most certainly am not! compared to her, anyways…. hahahah… this is so freaking ridiculous; so overwhelmingly ridiculous that i just want things between us to end. i dont want to deal. i dont want to feel like this. i dont want to once again come face to face with the inferiority complex and insecurities that i have fought to repress on a daily basis. i want to shut down and shut you out.

they say ignorance is bliss. they were absolutely right. i wish i didnt know, coz now, i see her differently.  when i see her, i have a vision of the two of you and it is disturbing.

this has got to end. this addiction thing, it’s bullshit. as your dealer, i’m cutting you off. seriously, the pretext of addiction is just not cutting it.  it’s a flimsy excuse, at best. wtf.

but if this IS an addiction, what say you, we both check into rehab?